


You don't know what I went through

by Estelle (Fielding)



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Episode: s07e02 Captain Kim, F/M, Missing Scene, and stepdad issues, jake has dad issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:07:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22690741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fielding/pseuds/Estelle
Summary: Amy had never thought much about the men who came after Roger, when Jake was a child. The events of "Captain Kim" raise some questions.
Relationships: Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago
Comments: 16
Kudos: 110





	You don't know what I went through

Amy waits until after dinner, when Jake is slumped back on the couch beside her and flipping through Netflix options, to ask the question that’s been bubbling in the back of her mind since the briefing that morning.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me about the limo drivers?”

Jake lifts an eyebrow and spares her a quick, questioning glance. “Huh?”

“The men your mom dated,” Amy says. “Trevor and Rolf?”

“Oh, yeah.” Jake shrugs. “They were just random guys.”

He selects ‘The Circle’ and gives Amy a smile that he probably means to be charming but comes across slightly more desperate than winning. Amy thinks about limo drivers and Roger and the carousel of captains they’ve had since Holt was demoted, and sighs.

“Fine, but you’re going to tell me about them later.”

Jake hits play and pulls Amy toward him, folding his arms around her. He’s warm and sturdy and he smells faintly of the lemongrass chicken they had for dinner, and it’s easy to let it go, for now.

+++

Amy’s known for a while that Karen dated quite a bit after Roger. Amy loves Karen – loves her laugh and her inherent sweetness and her well-meaning heart, and it isn’t surprising that she would have met other men after Roger, that she would have been sought after, even. But it somehow never occurred to Amy, as Karen spilled sordid stories while they sipped chilled red wine in her art studio garage, that the men would have been in Jake’s life too, at least some of them. 

The thought gnaws at her that night, after they’ve binged on the first three episodes of ‘The Circle’ (so dumb but honestly addictive) and gone to bed, that Jake was abandoned not just by Roger, but by a parade of bad men.

She can still recall, in excruciating detail, their structured debate at the hospital – how Jake feared he would be a bad parent because of his own crappy dad, how he owned his issues with authority figures. Then and now, he’s always blamed Roger, and Amy has too. But she sees a fuller picture now. She sees that Jake never had a chance. The only men he knew growing up were adulterers and liars, jerks who not only ran away, but who hurt his mom, the one adult he loved the most, and the only one he ever could count on.

They haven’t started trying for a baby just yet, but they will, soon. And when she thinks about where Jake came from it strikes her how brave he is, to be taking this step. And how much faith he must have in Amy herself, and in what they have together.

Jake mumbles something in his sleep and shifts on his pillow, and Amy’s heart stutters. She slides an arm over his chest, fingers curling into his shirt, and brushes a kiss just below his ear.

“I love you,” she says, whisper-soft. Jake sleeps on.

+++

The next night they get takeout from a new Peruvian place in the neighborhood. Amy makes them eat at the table, and she waits until Jake’s taken a few bites of an empanada before she says, “Tell me about Trevor and Rolf.”

Jake’s eyes widen a bit in surprise, and he chews slowly and takes a long drink of orange soda before answering.

“What do you want to know?”

Amy shrugs. “Did you like them? I mean, before-”

“Yeah,” Jake says. “They were nice. Before.”

Amy’s not sure what to do next, if she should press for more information, if she wants to, if Jake wants her to, if it matters. But then Jake clears his throat and says, “Trevor came along about a year after my dad split. He’d always bring my mom flowers, which I thought was super classy, and he’d take both of us out for dinner like once a week. My mom and I, we didn’t go out to dinner much then, after Dad left. So it felt really special, you know?”

Amy nods, and stabs at a fried plantain with a fork, suddenly not feeling all that hungry. “How long did they date?”

“A few months, I guess,” Jake says. “I, uh, found a pair of women’s underwear in the back of the limo one day and my mom asked him about it – I think she thought it was funny, like some customers had gotten it on or something – but he admitted to cheating on her right then, like in our living room on our way out for ice cream. She told him to leave and he did, and we never saw him again.”

“Jake, I’m-” She catches the flash of something hard and frustrated on his face and pauses. “That sucks.”

“It does,” Jake says, the anger already gone, replaced by something more fragile. “Anyway, Rolf showed up a couple months later, and he was fun. He used to drive me to school in his limo sometimes, Gina too. He’d let us open the sunroof and stand on the seats in the back with our heads poking out of the top. It was so illegal but we loved it.

“Then my mom and I saw him making out with twins at the pizza place near our house and he was gone too.”

“Wait- what? Twins?”

“Oh yeah, he was gross. Like, really gross.”

Amy laughs then, and so does Jake, because what else can they do, Amy thinks. And Jake tells her about Preston and Brendan and Brandon and Lyle, and Amy feels a tug of frustration with Karen, that she put Jake through all of that, so many times.

But Jake says, “After Lyle, my mom just kind of-” He pauses and bites his lip. “There were a few years where- I don’t know. I was worried. She wasn’t the same.”

Amy tries to imagine Karen Peralta – ebullient and joyful and full of so much love, always drawn to these losers. And Amy’s not angry but sad, and also, suddenly, overcome with respect for this woman: Despite it all, she raised the boy who became the bright and beautiful man sitting across from her now.

She recalls Jake’s confounding parallel, when they’d been invited to Captain Kim’s party. Trevor, he’d said, had preyed on his mom, had preyed on Jake too, so he could win their trust and take advantage of them. Jake had told them that Captain Kim was the same, which was ridiculous and paranoid, but also- Amy gets it.

Jake has trouble with trust, and he may always struggle with authority figures, but still he pushed past all of that and forged an unbreakable bond with Holt, and is it any wonder that he’s holding so fiercely to their captain? That he’s rejected every replacement outright?

Jake’s returned to his empanadas, a thoughtful frown on his brow, and Amy’s tempted to soothe it, to change the subject or just make him laugh again. But she’s learned that sometimes Jake needs to sit with his troubles and work through them, and maybe this, now, is one of those times.

Still – she reaches across the table and brushes a thumb over the back of his hand. His eyes are dark when he looks up at her, but he turns his hand over and clasps her fingers in his own, and he smiles before taking another bite.

He’s going to be fine, of course. But Amy thinks tomorrow she’ll call Karen and see if she’s up for brunch with her son and daughter-in-law this weekend. And she’s going to talk to Officer Holt – it’s time they came up with a plan.

She squeezes Jake’s fingers before letting go and returning to her own dinner. Jake still carries so much hurt, she thinks, but he’s strong. And he’s not alone.

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from IHOP (Bash Brothers). Thank you to Fezzle/Drowninginmyworries for the beta and for some really important additions/revisions. And thanks to Feeisamarshmallow for talking through a bunch of stuff from the episode with me. I love fandom insights!


End file.
